1. Thou shall never sleep ever again. Yeah yeah I thought, not me, my baby will be different, he’s gonna be a sleeper, I feel it. He’s going to be Sleeping Through The Night by week 4 (there’s an abbreviation for this btw, STTN, that’s how much it’s discussed on the forums.) Yeah, no. Almost 6 months in and homebaby has major fomo.
2. Thou shall not eat. A full meal. Remember those long endless summer lunches in the sun, with some rose wine and meaningless conversation. Yeah you can kiss those goodbye too. You’re lucky if you can get past the appetizer before you little tyke either wakes from his nap or decides he’s now hungry too. So be prepared to excuse yourself from the table as soon as the good stuff arrives. That’s usually how it works. My Baby Luca wakes as soon as the delivery guy enters our house. Always on point. I’ve come to admire his consistency.
3. Watching series. We watched them all religiously. Tuesday was marathon nights. Breaking Bad. Suits. House of Cards. Modern Family. Game of Thrones. Even Orange is the New Black. We had so much time on our hands we’d Google “best series” just to make sure we weren’t missing out on any. Now when we do have the time we’d rather do something more productive like having a conversation.
4. Speaking of Google, how did our parents get through without it in their dark offline world? But let me say this, as much as Google will help you at times it will equally scare the crap out of you just the same, so No, your baby doesn’t have a meningococcal infection because of a search result. My pediatrician had to give me “the talk.”
5. There is no greatest fear in the world to a mother than the evil lurking threat of SIDS. They will warn you and advise you and tell you exactly how to put your baby to bed. The mere thought of it would send cold chills down my spine as a first time mom, it made me poke and startle Baby Luca in his sleep just to make sure he’s breathing. So as much as you should remain vigilant on the issue don’t let it get the best of you, be strong, your baby can sense it.
6.Thou shall never be free at 6pm. Ever again. 6pm at our household means Baby Luca’s shower time. We’re hardcore about keeping him on a schedule and he’ll be sure to let us know when we’re behind. So now instead of our weekly happy hours, we’ve got bath hour.
7. Say goodbye to perfectly primped hair. I remember when my hair would look like it was just blown out even two days later. Well between Baby Luca discovering what his tiny feet can do in the water and him finding the noise I emit when he tugs on my hair funny, I’d be lucky if my hair makes it through the day.
8. Naps are godsend. Like a gift bestowed upon you from the heavens. They make me do a happy dance. You’ve never be more productive in one hour like you are now. And with every half hour that passes and baby sleeps you pat yourself on the back and congratulate yourself on being the best mother in the world. Until he wakes up from the sound YOU made.
9. Speaking of sounds, you will not realize how noisy your home is until you have a sleeping baby in your house. I’ve become a pro at holding in a sneeze but I’ve also been giving the entire neighborhood dirty looks for waking my baby at one point or another, like heels at 6:30am, who does it?
10. Thou hall not be hangover. Even when you go out on the weekend, there is no day off from baby. So mark my words: Hell is tending to a baby with a throbbing forehead headache and grease craving. Hangovers are for vacations. Abroad.
11. Stains just come with the territory. When Baby Luca first spat up on me I would freak out and try to wash the stain off my top immediately before leaving the house. Now if a day goes by without getting puked on at least three times, I consider that a day well spent. You gotta rock those milk stains!
12. Speaking of stains, I can now dodge open air pee accidents like a ninja. It took some time and a lot of practice (5.5 months actually) and repetitive showers but if there was a world championship I’d go home with the gold (no pun-intended)
13. Whomever invented a pacifier deserves the Nobel Peace Prize. I carry three with me at all times. Don’t tell me they may impede speech those things can save lives.
14. Long are the days where I can just spontaneously decide to leave the house so casually. I now need to schedule a diaper bag packing in advance and time our plans according to his feeding schedule. There may be even a couple failed attempts to make it to the car. The process needs its own operations department.
15. Speaking of diapers I used to gag at the mere smell of poop. Now I’ll pull out a dirty diaper from the garbage to show my husband so we can feel proud of how much our big boy pooped.
16. Patience is realizing your baby had a poop explosion in his clothes right after his shower.
17. I would veto my hubby when he’d try to include his own decorative pieces that would clash with my country chic home. Now my house looks like a baby shop exploded inside it and we both have no say in it whatsoever.
18. I think whomever designed the buttoned onesie on the other hand was a misogynist who intended to purposely embarrass and undermine mothers in front of their children. if you’re still not convinced I challenge you to diaper change a sleepy hungry baby in the dark at 3 in the morning.
19. You know how Uma Thurman endured unspeakable injury for years in Kill Bill or Rocky Balboa trained in the rain before the big boxing match where every single exercise is meant to test their strength to the breaking point, well that’s what putting a baby who doesn’t want to go to bed is like.
20. Your once laid back nature will quickly turn into mother bear The Revenant style at the sight of danger.
21. When you’re not with your baby you will look at pictures of your baby. You will discuss it and film it and play it on repeat.
22. You will get addicted to your baby like a drug. Coming home after a long day to their little dough-like soft heat-generating bodies and gentle sighs are the epitome of love and comfort in the world. Nothing will ever compare.
23. I thought as more time goes by I may miss my old life. I don’t. Not one tiny bit. Our ability to adapt as humans is one that amazes me. All I want to do is be Baby Luca’s mother and watch him grow. Motherhood has been the most challenging yet equally rewarding and exciting experiences I’ve had to date. And I’m grateful to go through every one of the points listed above.
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