Of course pregnancy is a blessing. Of course it is one of life’s most beautiful miracles and a gift from god. But you all know that already. Before I myself got pregnant (yes, I’ve just entered the third and final trimester) the majority of pregnant women I would encounter would gush about how amazing the whole thing was, and how beautiful they feel ALL THE TIME. Does Angeline Jolie’s famous words ring a bell here?
Now, although the second trimester has been a walk in the park compared to the gruesome first one, I hear whispers about how not so magical the final and third one may be. But before I jump ahead of myself I thought I’d share you with the real face of pregnancy, the not so glamorous one you don’t read about in the media, the one most expectant mommas would much rather keep mum about (pun intended) at the risk of sounding ungrateful. As for me I’m not ungrateful I’m a blogger. You’ve been warned…
1. Whomever named it morning sickness needs to be sued. It’s not morning sickness, it’s morning, afternoon, late afternoon, early evening and midnight sickness.
2. If you’re not throwing up, you’re just nauseous all the time during the first trimester. It’s like being hung-over all day minus the booze and fun the night before.
3. Cravings are evil. And they usually hit when a fruit is out of season. Your man will work so to find it for you only to have you throw it up an hour later. Charming really…
4. Suddenly life just becomes so emotional, a lost dog post can get you in hysterical tears and so can an empty jar of Nutella. Hormones don’t discriminate.
5. You finally have the bigger breasts you wanted. The bad news is that they’re accompanied with a bigger everything. Not so hot after all.
6. Suddenly people have the right to comment on your bump “it doesn’t show” is a compliment while “smallah” means you got fat.
7. Either way, they secretly want you to get fat.
8. You develop Spiderman reflexes you never thought you had when it comes to protecting your belly even if it means having to elbow a completely unsuspecting stranger.
9. If you merely mention craving sugar, everyone will tell you you’re having a girl and if it’s something savory then they’re sure it’s a boy. Both times they’re off.
10. The sex of your unborn baby is suddenly public information. “Boy or girl?” will always follow the pregnancy announcement.
11. So is your belly, at some point you’ll feel like a Buddha statue, everybody wants to rub it.
12. Next everyone wants to know the name you’ve picked. They will proceed to give you their unsolicited opinions on it. Oh you approve? Not like I care. #sorry #notsorry
13. You don’t realize how many people annoy you until you try to choose a name for your baby.
14. Which makes you realize why some celebrities name their kids “Apple” and “North.”
15. You will now count everything in weeks.
16. Raw vegetables, sushi, cold cuts and hotdogs are suddenly the enemy. But you’ve never wanted them so bad in your life.
17. There’s an awkward phase in-between starting to show and just looking like you love burgers a little too much. People will make it even more awkward by staring. Relentlessly.
18. You can’t wait to show until you start to show. Then you’ll start to complain about how big you’re getting.
19. You’ll never look so forward to a doctor’s visit in your life. Happiness is seeing your baby moving on an ultra-sound.
20. Every family member is secretly convinced the baby will look like him/her, including the second uncle twice removed.
21. You will put off maternity shopping until you start borrowing your husband’s PJs.
22. Pregnancy has it perks. People will smile and let you cut in lines, throw in a complementary desert, and ask you if you’d like to sit all the time. The more you stick your belly out, the more effective it is.
23. You will constantly ask people if it’s “hot in here?” It will take you some time to come the realization that it really is just you.
24. Death comes in the new slow and silent form: heartburn.
25. People will try to be nice and tell you you’re glowing. Little do they realize it’s cause you’re sweating like a pig.
26. Cocoa butter and watermelons are your best friends. Never run out.
27. Experienced parents think it’s their duty to tell you how much your life is about to change and how hectic it will all be. You secretly hate them for it.
28. Sleep will become an art and your bed will resemble a game of Risk. Pillows will be placed strategically and your husband’s territory will soon be occupied.
29. There are two types of people you will meet. The experts who will lecture you on pregnancy and parenthood and the curious ones who will ask you about the smallest details you’ve never been more happy to share.
30. Seeing another pregnant woman is like running into your long lost friend in China, there are no boundaries to how much you will exchange in those 5 minutes.
31. Each time someone wishes you a “safe” delivery you secretly start to freak out. Like what do they mean safe? Is it not safe?
32. You will smile, senselessly, for no apparent reason. Even when the baby is practicing karate on your ribs.
33. You’ve never been so selfless and full of love, for someone you haven’t met yet and just can’t wait to meet.