Ivy Says

Many of you enjoyed and appreciated 23 Things Nobody Tells You About Having a Baby and then again 23 MORE Things Nobody Tells You About Having a Baby but enter the toddler years and that brings about an entirely new chapter of lists you ought to know. My baby Luca (or toddler) I should say has now hit is 16 months mark and well I share with you 20 very honest observations that many parents dare not to admit.

1. Size doesn’t matter. No matter how tiny they look those little creatures they sure have BIG stubborn personalities, so just accept the new peck order, They’re the boss, you’re not, get with the program, the less you resist the less painful it is.

2. Don’t rush the walking, because once they hit the ground (usually running), you’ll never ever lounge on a sofa again. Be prepared to hover over them them like a hawk because if they’re not falling and hurting themselves then they’re grabbing and breaking.

3. Speaking of grabbing, everything is up for grabs, EVERYTHING. The more you ask them not to touch something the more they’ll touch it. Think electric socket, garbage bin, toilet seat and dog food. Yup those little tykes are attracted to dirt and danger.

4. Remote controls and cell phones. They’re like baby crack. No matter how many educational or expensive toys you buy them nothing will get their eyes glowing like an iPhone. And they WILL eventually get to them.

5. Brush up on your biceps because mother nature knows no strength like that of a toddler who doesn’t feel like sitting still for a diaper change or shower time. Yup you’re once adorable mellow baby will transform into butt-naked sumo-wrestler.

6. Hell is a child teething. It’s a slow cruel fact of life. They tell you the first year is the hardest but nobody warns you about the teething that follows until they’re TWO so don’t celebrate just yet! Suddenly your sweet little baby turns into a cranky drooling monster and somehow he thinks it’s all YOUR fault. Everyone will recommend something for the pain, but the truth is, it’s going to have to run its course. You’ve been warned.

7. Remember how your baby finally started sleeping through the night for two months straight and you thought- finally, I’ve done it? Well before you reward yourself, prepare yourself for the biggest regression of all. The more their little brains develop the less likely you’re able to put them down. One day you’ll wake up and realize that little schemer now sleeps in your bed with you. Yup. Move over Dada.

8. Tantrums. The first few made you laugh. The idea that your baby was demanding something was super cute. Until they pull the first public one. Suddenly you’re scrambling just to get into the car and drive off like a bank robber making an escape and promise yourself you’re never letting them out of the house again.

9. You’ll never judge another mother again. Instead when you see one struggling with her child instead of shooting nasty annoyed looks her way like you used to when you were childless, you’re now suddenly asking her if she needs any help.

10. Speaking of help, there’s a secret pact amongst parents of young children, that you will only become privy to once you enter exclusive parent club. It says that If someone’s child is having a meltdown you just ignore the show and act like it’s not happening. The singles will send angry whispers and shoot death glares but the rest of the parents in the room, they know the drill.

11. Kids designer clothes were nice and all until you realize your toddler has no issue smearing spaghetti sauce all over it and then rolling in the mud. They’re appreciation for a Kenzo sweater will be no different than that for a $5 white Tee. The only one who noticed is sadly you.

12. Prepare to be conjoined. Your once curious baby will suddenly become surgically attached to you and a separation attempt may turn into a screaming fest, so just accept the fact that you now have a new friend in the toilet and a voyeur in the shower. One day you’ll wish your children will visit more often so savor the lack of privacy.

13. Brush up on your ninja reflexes. I think Spiderman was inspired by a mother. If it’s not to save your toddler from plunging from his highchair to the ground then it’s to save your own nose 5 times a day from your toddler who thinks it’s fun to shove his entire thumb into your nostril or poke your eyes out.

14. Yes we all pictured ourselves reading to our little minions before bedtime. But you’ll come to the realization that it will only happen if they’re in a straitjacket.

15. There are only two people who would have told you as many affirmative defiant “NOs” in your lifetime, once upon a time your parents and now your toddler. Both times you have no choice but to comply.

16. Remember your pet? That fur-ball once known as your dog rather than a chore. Before having a child you would plan your weekend around his walks and book his groomers appointment months in advance. Now you’re lucky if you remember to feed him during the day. Dog? We Have a dog?

17. You no longer fantasize about a wild week trip to Ibiza, now an ideal vacation involves catching up on sleep in a quiet comfortable king sized hotel room bed followed by 3 uninterrupted meals. Amen.

18. Your once picture perfect and color coordinated home now looks like a toy store just vomited all over it, at first you’ll try to put them away when guests comes over but eventually you’ll just embrace it and try to make it seem like it was intentional by referring to it as the “play area.”

19. Negotiating with a toddler is very much like negotiating with a terrorist. Although most schools of thought advise against it at times you find yourself with no other choice but to strike a deal like when your prized orchid is about to be pulled out of it’s roots. So be prepared, they may walk funny but they drive a hard bargain.

20. Your day will begin as soon as your toddler’s bedtime starts. Yup those 4 hours will become so sacred you’ll try to have a meaningful conversation with your husband, eat an actual meal while catching up on your Netflix series and replying to work emails all at once.

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