Ivy Says

1)      The Trouble Maker with the belly in a tracksuit

You know shit is about to hit the fan as soon as you spot this one making a fuss at check-in. He’s already cut-in line twice while his poor wife and kids tag along, no one has the guts to stand up to him, so they end up giving them the dirty looks. He’s 27 kilos over the limited baggage allowance but he won’t budge. He’s been holding up the queue for an hour until the supervisor gave him the ultimatum ( pay or leave the bags behind) while he glares at him murderously. Back in Beirut, he would most likely have whacked the guy or called-in wasta, but he’s still in Rome and he’s on his best behavior. So he decides to take it all out as soon as he boards the Lebanese flight. He spots an East Indian man on what is supposed to be the seat next to him and flips out. He announces to the flight attendant that he will not be sitting in his assigned seat with no justification, just very matter-of-factly. Things get very tense and messy before the short older male attendant that-looks-like-a-captain-but-is -not-the-captain intervenes, refers to him as “Monsieur” and offers him a seat in the exit row isle. Impressed, trouble maker leaves his entire brood behind as he nestles in his comfortable new seat.

2)      The Flight Attendant en route to an 80’s Glamor Shoot

Fuchsia. That’s the first thought that pops in your head when both her and her lips welcome you on board. She wears her scarf and outdated green ensemble proudly as she ushers you to your seat.

She thoroughly enjoys going though each aisle to check if passengers have in fact followed the rules. And she lives for the moment when they don’t so she can finally practice the executive powers bestowed upon her. She is especially nice to the gentlemen and especially unpleasant to most women. She has a way of making chicken or meat sound like cocaine or hash. She’s happy to serve you but NEVER make her feel like it’s her job, just pretend she’s some hot chick that randomly volunteered to be on this flight and you’ll be fine.

3)      The Lebanese expat

He’s the most successful of his class having moved to Rome for university, landed a great position in his field and never left. He travels back and forth on occasions to visit family and friends but he spends most of his time in Rome. He’ll never move back home and every time he gets on this flight, he  reaffirms it. He dreads the noise, the chaos and the fact that he never gets any room in what is supposed to be his overhead bin space. Yes, he’s Lebanese, but he’s 100% converted to civilized. His strategy is to make the least eye contact possible and minimum interaction with his surroundings. It helps that he could easily pass for an Italian and he will not utter a word of Arabic. He dies a little inside every time passengers applaud post-landing.

4)      The Negligent mother

She has to put up with her brats every day, so cut her some slack if she decides to disown her children on this one and make them everyone else’s problem, alright? Besides, she’s been dying to watch that flick starring Catherine Zeta Jones playing on the flight. And while everyone else is complaining about her kids kicking their seats and screaming, she hasn’t had this much quiet time in almost a year. Not only does she watch the entire movie unfazed by the ruckus, she is also impressively immune to the judgmental stares of fellow passengers urging her to control the situation. They can hate all they want. She allows those kids to roam the aisles and bump into people’s arms or legs as long as they don’t interrupt her until the attendant finally corners her into seating them for landing. Even then she considers letting them loose.

Have I missed any?