12 Things You Can’t Do As a Mom With A Toddler

1.Doing Nothing. Literally lounging around the house, wondering what to do with your time. It almost sounds… mythical. Are there people out there that actually have free time on their hands? Who are they? Where do they come from? I don’t think I would know how to handle myself around free time anymore- I’d be delirious.

  2. Sticking to Plans. LOL. There is no such thing a planning ahead with a toddler. Going to that yoga-class? Your toddler started a fever. Heading to a lunch? Toddler fell asleep 30 seconds before arrival. Drinks with the girls? Toddler won’t go to bed. As moms we should come with a disclaimer that says, socially unreliable, expect last minute cancellation. Don’t even try to fight it. Just go with it.

3. Watching TV. You know, a TV show for adults that doesn’t include an annoying baby and daddy shark or 60 minute songs about brushing your teeth. Remember how you could just turn on the TV, plop yourself on the couch and actually watch some news. Yeah. No. If and when your husband and you are lucky to eventually get some TV time you’ll probably both pass out ten minutes into the show.

4. Have a well-kept home. Remember how you initially designed your house to look like no-one actually lived there. That perfectly positioned over-priced coffee table book, the glass vase and those white silk cushions. Yeah well, it looks like a rainbow exploded in your living room now. You sometimes secretly wish you’d go colorblind for temporary relief. And no matter how many times you try to contain toys in the playroom, they always manage to find their back. Always.

5. Maintain your hair blow out. Remember when your hair would actually look great for a solid three days. Yeah now you’re lucky if it lasts for two hours after getting it done. Between vomit, flying food, snot or getting your hair caressed by your toddler’s feet you have now resorted to the number one hairstyle favored by all toddlers- the mom-bun!

6. Cook a meal for yourself. Ain’t nobody got time for that. You’re so busy sorting out dinner for that picky eater, and trying to score on at least one all of the recommended super food groups that you forget to feed yourself and end up eating the leftover edges and crumbs. When it’s actually time to feed yourself you just grab a stale piece of bread and call it dinner. And yes that’s probably you’re not losing any weight.

7. Spend time in the bathroom. Alone. Whether you’re on the toilet or trying to sneak in for a quick shower, forget about it. Your young house guests don’t believe in personal space and usually like to intrude at the most intimate of times. So postpone that nice bubble bath or body scrub session for a couple more years and instead stock up on some dry shampoo.

8. Talk on the phone. Notice how your toddler decides to have a meltdown just as your phone rings. It’s like they sense it coming. They’ll either hang on to your legs or demand you carry them and insist on interrupting the conversation. Not much you can do there but look at the bright side you get to save on your monthly phone bill.

9. Stay Up Late. You never thought you would have a self-imposed curfew but going to bed at 2am only to be up at crack of dawn with your active toddler is not worth any kind of night out no matter how much fun it can be. So embrace you inner-Cinderella and make it home before midnight unless your toddler can change its own diaper, dress and feed itself. Then by all means- party on.

10. Take a sick day. Um, No. You can’t just call in sick and deal with everything the next day. It doesn’t matter if you’ve got a food poisoning or chills from a fever, your toddler boss expects you to rise and shine like the dedicated employee you are and get straight to work. The entertainment business is cut throat.

11. Skip Coffee. Are you kidding me? I hated the taste of coffee and I always bragged how I didn’t need caffeine- I had a “natural” energy to me. #blessed. Fast Forward three years and I would literally have a meltdown without a cup of joe first thing in the morning. It’s the only way I can reboot my system from the physical trauma it endured the day before.

12. Go a day without them. It’s a phenomenal force this motherhood thing isn’t it? That no matter how much it has turned your life inside out and upside down you can’t go a day without kissing and cuddling and loving those little buggers, they’re like the oxygen you need to breath, the blood that your hurt needs to pump and no matter how hard the journey gets you would chose them over and over again in every lifetime.