Back in October 2013 I launched the Online Petition Against Tattooed Eyebrows to counter the growing pandemic of creepy crawlers taking over our country. It has become one of my most successful posts to date shared by hundreds beauty advocates brave enough to stand up for what is right. Today I wage a full out war, on the crimes against beauty that have given us terrifying reputations and landed us on some of the world’s most notorious beauty faux pas lists. Join me, for united we are stronger.
Exhibit A: Permanent Lip Liner
Let’s get one thing straight, Lip liners were intended to give your lips that natural contour and define borders not for drawing on entirely new ones. But to go as far as making those things permanent and darker than your natural lip line? That’s borderline self-loathing.
Fact: Nobody actually believes those are real lips, and when they’re extended upwards they begin to resemble a mustache. Worst of all, eventually the liner begins to fade in different areas leaving you looking like you marked yourself with a pen by mistake. Stop it.
Verdict: Life without Parole
Exhibit B:Going Blonde
Some women go blonde and it looks like they have Scandinavian blood and others are smart enough to steer clear. But there remains a significant portion of ladies who insist on looking artificial by bleaching their locks regardless of their skin tone, and adding insult to injury by dying their eyebrows as well. Hair Coloring is a science and it should be done by a professional, so make sure you’re nice to your colorist or he won’t tell you the truth you need to know.
Verdict: 30 Hours of Community Service
Exhibit C: Concealer Overdose
We are notorious for this. Sure concealer is a miracle worker adding that instant fresh boost and covering dark circles, but the whole point was to conceal those bags not paint them a bright shade of white, unless the plan is to resemble a raccoon.
Verdict: Hefty Fine
Exhibit D: Botched lips.
Yes, I know we’re all guilty of coveting plump lips. But whatever happened to proportion, symmetry, and common sense? Lindsay went from 25 to 55 overnight because her doctor didn’t tell her how over-sized and droopy her lips had become compared to the rest of her face. When you look like you’re constantly duck-faced and your inner lips protruding like a Trout, it’s time to lay off those collagen injections. When one side of your lip is more filled than the other it’s time to sue your doctor.
Verdict: 30 years to Life
Exhibit E: Ombre Hair
There’s Ombre and then there’s negligence. Growing your dyed hair out only to pass it off as dip dye or Ombre is a really really bad idea especially when the contrast between the light and dark is huge. Ombre is about having a subtle fade in color if done professionally otherwise it looks plain tacky.
Verdict: 30 days House Arrest
Exhibit F: Botox
I’m not vehemently against surgical beauty enhancement and I’m not going to speak too soon either. I’m young enough to enjoy the natural collagen on my skin without having to resort to botox just yet. BUT by just yet I mean at least until my forties. I mean come on, girls in their 20’s (yes 20’s and early 30’s) are getting botoxed like it’s a bikini wax and in doing so are emulating women in their 50’s. How pancake face is becoming the ultimate status symbol beats me! Walking around with permanently raised eyebrows makes you look constantly suspicious or shocked and laughing with no facial expression makes you look looney. It’s ludicrous I tell you.
Verdict: Life without parole/solitary confinement
Exhibit H: Fake/excessive Tanning
Whether you’re ruthlessly exposing your body to harmful sun rays, addicted to the tanning booth or pouring it on from a bottle the only thing that should sport that shade of red is an Orangutan.
Verdict: 15 years with possibility of early release for good behavior
Exhibit I: Very Light Foundation.
Contrary to Middle Eastern practice foundation is supposed to match your skin tone not create a new one. I don’t care how many Fair and Lovely ads you’ve seen, using a lighter foundation makes your head look like it belongs on another body and will actually age you.(gasp)
Verdict: Heavy fine and monthly makeup purchase limit
Exhibit J: Colored Contact Lenses
I thought colored contact lenses were just a fad, I really thought by now we’ll look back, point and laugh at ourselves hysterically but sadly Arab stars are so adamant on keeping that trend alive that lenses have become synonymous with cheap and vulgar. How something so unflattering and fake could be so popular is beyond me!
Verdict: Electronic Tagging
Did I miss a few?
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